She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
