My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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