I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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