I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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