I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
