no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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