someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dick very happy bro
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
