2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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