Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
