I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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