Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
