TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
