All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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