I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
