Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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