bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
