Soap is not a condiment
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
