pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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