uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize