even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
