I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I got inside last night via doggy door
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
there is puke in my bra ... again
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