people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
