I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
babies were throwing up all over the place
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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