Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
