My friends, they love my intelligence
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
