I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
