Your tits are I can't wait for
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
