He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
