i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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