do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
