My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
