I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
