She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
