Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
