sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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