my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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