are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have feelings that need drinking.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
