I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
