the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize