did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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