his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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