just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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