Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
