The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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