dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
