she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
