Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
