weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
