I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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