I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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