The maid of honor just puked.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
