I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
