Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
