my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Found the puke drawer
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
