Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
