Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
