Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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