he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize