My liver just broke up with me...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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