EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
