it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
