I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
