god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
